The more experience I gain with lifestyle BDSM, the more I crave it. The obsession, the lust, the intensity, the intimacy, the complicated and conflicted feelings: I want it all.
But the majority of those who engage in BDSM identify as ‘bedroom only.’ Given common perceptions and misconceptions as to how D/s relationships work, many people feel a lifestyle dynamic is just ‘too much.’ And that’s fine. I’ll not presume to prescribe actions for other people’s happiness. That said, I’ve found restricting D/s dynamics to the bedroom means cheating myself out of the most intense emotions and sensations. Those can only be experienced by living within the strictures of the dynamic on a day-to-day basis.
One major difference between ‘bedroom’ and ‘lifestyle’ BDSM is the level of vulnerability.
For example, in my last relationship, my Dominant required I articulate every fantasy, thought, and emotion I had regarding our relationship. There wasn’t a quota attached to the number of emails I sent or their word count, nor was there a set number/length of ‘required discussions.’ Instead, she expected me to journal about or tell her anything and everything that seemed significant. If I failed to do so, then I was cheating both of us, so I worked hard to comply.
At first this kind of exercise can feel a bit awkward. I mean, if you are ‘doing it right’ telling someone ‘everything’ means just that. Every thought, emotion, and fantasy you’ve written in excruciating detail for them to look over. But getting all this down was a rush for me.
The more I trusted her, the more I divulged. Eventually, and the feeling of being known – I mean really known – grew stronger as did the feeling I was truly ‘owned.’ And that’s the difference between playing games in the bedroom and playing for keeps. The cumulative effect of divulging ‘everything’ on a regular basis was just one more thing that helped my feelings to become as deep, real, and raw as they did. Oh, and the sex only got more amazing!
There’s no way in hell a bedroom submissive will have this kind of experience.
One major gripe dominants sound off about is submissives topping from the bottom. I feel a lot of this occurs because of a lack of communication beforehand. Because after a months of detailing my fantasies, reactions to sex and intimacy a well as my physical and emotional state afterward, there was zero doubt in my mind that my Dominant knew what I craved while squirming naked under her thumb. Though often she wanted to hear me beg for it, anyway.
Whether I got what I craved is a different matter. But the fact she knew what was going on in my head was an incredible turn-on.
Vulnerability is fucking hot. And while I feel strongly that one of the keys to a satisfying a D/s relationship is for a submissive to remain vulnerable to their Dominant, the Dominant reveals a tremendous amount to their submissive as well. And a good sub will take care to listen and learn what their top wants and expects. Anticipating what a Dominant wants makes them much happier than them having to tell you every, little thing.
Dominants tend to fuck you more often when they’re pleased with your behavior.
I am being a tad flippant here, but I do have a genuine point: real success comes about when all parties concerned listen and learn from the other. And, yes, of course, this applies to ANY relationship….It’s just that BDSM is much more fun!
I’ve been thinking about all I divulged to her a lot these days. In hindsight, I realize how I could have used the knowledge gained from this process more effectively. But I’ll save that topic for another post.