“If you’re miserable with a situation, you wont make a change until you can no longer tolerate the pain.”
A friend told me this the other day, and I was ready to hear it.
I’d called her to
catch her up bitch about my state of mind and what seems like chronic depression. But after about a half hour of venting, I realized everything I’d said, while true, was getting old to my own ears. Not that I’ve told anybody else. I’m not the kind to call and whine about my feelings.
That’s what anonymous blogs are for.
But, in all seriousness, I’ve had a mantra of misery running through my head for a year now. It wasn’t so bad when the relationship first ended, but after a while all these nagging doubts and regrets became the soundtrack to my daily grind. Yet as I heard myself say these things out loud, I became fed-up with them altogether. I made a decision: I’d felt enough pain, and it was time to move on. The change that came over me was almost immediate.
The obvious punchline is something about masochism, and, frankly, there might be something to that. Not much but something. But after a while, you either pick yourself up and move on or roll over and die. Giving up on life is not part of my DNA.
Truth is I didn’t have to move away from her. I had compelling personal and professional reasons to do so, but there was no gun to my head. Furthermore, the relationship I left was fulfilling in every way and going strong. So, if anything, it’s about getting comfortable in the bed I made for myself.
Life is complicated, and the future sometimes appears to be a garden of forking paths. But when I look back, the route I took seems simple and straightforward.
For all my flaws, I’m fairly mindful and appreciative for what’s going on in the present. When things are good, bad, or a complete bore, I’ll not cheat myself of being present and aware of what’s occurring ‘right now.’ Because now is all you really have.
As of now, I no longer feel wounded. Sure, I’m still aching a bit, but I’m clear, focused, and open to whatever happens next. It’s a better place to than where I was.
As to how others might reach this point, I have no fucking idea. I have no insight or wisdom to share. All I know is this: one day I heard myself speaking my thoughts and decided I’d had enough. So part of it seems to depend on your tolerance for misery.
I’ve reached my threshold.
I’ve eaten my fill.