The wait is over!
After a lot of soul-searching – and a few stiff drinks – I’m prepared to announce my endorsement for Hillary Clinton to win the Presidential Election of 2016.
I know what you’re wondering: “How does a
kingmaker queenmaker such as yourself arrive at such a momentous decision so early in the game?”
Is it because she has a strong track record of being socially liberal?
Is it because you loathe her most likely opponent, Jeb Bush?
Dislike em’ both.
Because it’s about time a woman sat in the Oval Office?
So why then?
Because Bill Clinton will be the First Man.
And because Bill Clinton as the first, First Man of the White House, will make each day I rise to scan the headlines seem like Christmas Morning.
Oh, come on! Can’t you see the comedy gold that will come from this situation? First off, what is it that the First Significant Other of the President does, exactly?
Well, aside from setting trends in fashion and matching the mood of their mate in photo ops, until recently, their primary role has been that of a supportive and caring partner.
I’ll let that last sentence sink in a minute as you try to imagine Bill Clinton doing this…
Yeah, I know. Irony that rich goes straight to my thighs.
But, of course, Eleanor Roosevelt broke this stereotype, and contemporary First Ladies have been quite active in using their political clout. Here’s a quick survey of the issues taken on by Presidential Spouses, present and past:
-Michelle Obama – Childhood Obesity & LGBT Rights
-Laura Bush – Education/Literacy & Women’s Heath
-Hillary Clinton – Health Care Reform & Women’s Issues
So what cause would Slick Willie champion? Hmmm…
The smart money says it WONT be an awareness campaign for Peyronie’s Disease.
What the fuck is that nearly unpronounceable affliction, you ask?
Peyronie’s Disease is a fairly common condition Bill Clinton, and many other middle-aged men, suffer as a result of rough sex and rodeo injuries. It occurs when scar tissue in the shaft of the penis causes it to bend as blood fills the member. The condition can make intercourse difficult and occasionally painful. At least one time, it’s been cited as a distinguishing feature in lawsuit over sexual harassment .
Did Bill Clinton actually expose himself to Paula Jones? – Dunno. I don’t pretend or imagine I can ever know the truth.
Perception is reality, so here’s what I do know to be true: If Hillary and Bill Clinton re-occupy the White House, there’ll be jubilation among comedy writers from New York to Los Angeles.
Damn…and here I thought there’d never be cause to watch S&L again.