No Longer on a First Name Basis

I’ve been coping with the aftereffects of a breakup for a while now. There’s no specific date I can point to, but it’s close to a year and a half.  Prior to this, I’d gone several years between significant D/s relationships without much thought about when the next one might occur. This time was different. The absence of dominant energy and guidance became something I was both acutely aware of and cautious of pursuing.

Why would I be cautious about seeking the dynamic and direction I crave? Mostly because I have a low tolerance for getting burned along with a strong desire to avoid a situation that requires I devolve instead of evolve. Additionally, there’s another reason that’s not as concrete: as mentioned in a previous post, someone who reeks of desperation is off-putting to anyone with an ounce of sense, while the kind of people this vibe attracts are likely to have their own issues.

So I’ve been careful, though frustrated, and have tried to retain my integrity while keeping myself in check. Patience is not one of my virtues, but I grudgingly practiced it anyway. And, sure enough, it wasn’t until after I’d stopped actively thinking about looking that the right person found me.

I’ve been engaged in casual correspondence with a dominant for a few weeks who I’ll refer to as “V.” She’s knowledgeable about D/s and has experience living in a 24/7 situation for a number of years. As it’s a common interest, our conversations were sometimes related to D/s dynamics but touched on a multitude of other topics as well. I enjoyed the conversation and connection but had no expectations it would lead to anything more besides friendship and friendly advice.

However, the direction, speed, and intensity of the conversation shifted. In fact, it shifted quite suddenly – like first-to-fourth-gear-thinking-you’ve-dropped-the-transmission sudden. Given how much our specific kinks overlap, and how much we seem to have in common otherwise, this sudden shift was neither strange nor unwelcome. Still, content with the mutual commiseration and friendship, I made sure to neither to press nor push and kept my expectations low.

So it was a pleasant surprise when V offered to be my Dominant. Honestly shocked, yet happy, I agreed to enter her service and give her my submission.

But I should pause for a reality check: V lives a long distance from me, and her offer was ‘conditional’ in nature. And really, one of the reasons I was so happy and eager to submit was the fact she’s realistic and unconcerned with the ultimate outcome while remaining very serious about protection and guidance. –Tellingly, she said: “Let’s just enjoy each other, and see how things go.”

Yes, there’s distance along with logistic issues, and multitudes of other ‘things’ obstruct this from becoming anything more than a remote dynamic. And neither of us is blind to what might change between ‘what is now’ and ‘what could be then.’

That said, this is the most intense remote dynamic I’ve ever experienced.

Recently, I find myself  flushed and smiling randomly throughout the day. V is quite good at sensing my mood and thoughts when there’s little more than her experience and intuition to provide the information.

I’ll happily describe her in a less-boring way at some point, but for now, poetic flourishes remain on tap for more personal correspondence. That said, I’ve come to think she possesses all the traits I seek in a Dominant. I hasten to add the only way to really find out what someone’s made of is  by getting to know them over a period of time.

I’ve never sat down to list these traits, but I think it’s useful to do so now. And while attempting to provide a detailed list constructing one’s ‘ideal’ anything is a fool’s game, it’s certainly useful to articulate what traits one thinks to be essential.

Going into the specifics regarding this list would require thousands of words, so I’m sticking to the most important points and provide little to no explanation or context. Also, there’s no real hierarchy. Anyway, here it is:

  • Being Dominant is ‘who they are’ as opposed to a lifestyle choice.
  • Possessing a high-caliber intellectual intelligence.
  • Possessing integrity and consistently being ethical in their conduct.
  • Possessing both emotional intelligence and maturity.
  • Possessing a strong disposition for both empathy and compassion.
  • Understanding and enjoyment of D/s as mindful co-dependence and desiring to foster, enable, and encourage this in the dynamic.
  • Well experienced in both D/s dynamics and BDSM activities.
  • A sadist who owns their sadism as both something they enjoy as well as a means to an end in regards to a multitude of relationship goals.
  • Someone who thinks – after an extended period of time – the existence of a “safe word” undermines a D/s relationship.
  • Someone who practices self-control and is disciplined.
  • Someone who values their submissive.
  • Someone who shares vanilla interests and lifestyle choices.
  • Someone who expects their boy to be sweet, slutty, respectful, and compliant.

I’m going to stop there, but I could go on for some time and elaborate until my subtopics had subtopics. [Damn – “Subtopics” would be an awesome name for a weekly podcast or column, wouldn’t it?] – Also, I’m quite sure I left ‘something’ out, which may or may not be added later.

To say things have been going well would be an understatement. And while I’m aware this entire post is devoid of details, really, the only details I regret leaving out are all the ways V is amazing.

There’s a lot to say in regards to her intelligence, personality, looks, and a number of other things. And merely pointing to the list above in regards to why she’s an exceptional Dominant would be a cop-out as there’s so much more to say. Those posts will happen when they happen.

In the meantime, one exchange occurred quite recently, which I think those engaged in authentic D/s dynamics will appreciate.

When we began corresponding, V told me she wasn’t big on honorifics. At one point, she was kind enough to indulge my compulsion to use one when speaking to a Dominant I know and respect, but I soon abandoned this practice and used her first name instead.

However, last night, we were chatting on the phone when she stopped me mid-sentence.

“Wait, what did you just call me?” She asked.

“Ummm…I really don’t know,” I responded, immediately worried I’d said something offensive without realizing.

She laughed.

“You used my first name,” she said. “Don’t do that again. Ever.”

“No first names,” I said, and then paused, allowing her instruction to sink in.

“Nope,” she said and laughed again.

“Oh…” I said, feeling my face flush, then paused to find my voice.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

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