Mapping the Terrain

“Crying,” she said. “Sooner or later, There’ll be begging and crying”

“Yes, Ma’am…”

“It’s not like there won’t be pleasure,” she said. “There’ll be plenty you enjoy along with suffering. And there will be things you don’t enjoy. And sometimes…”

“Sometimes, it will be a mixture of the two,” I said, completing her thought, “Sometimes it will be impossible to decide which is more intense. I know, or, at least I think I know. It’s different every time, Ma’am”

“Yes, that’s true, boy,” she said. “But sometimes, I’ll just want to hear you sob.”

Reblogged from Goddess Heathen - http://http://goddessheathen.tumblr.com/An interesting dance we engage in – questions and responses from both sides, navigating preferences and compatibility. There’s nothing foreign about this kind of conversation at the beginning of any relationship. However, when it comes to the dynamics of lifestyle Dominance and submission, the stakes are much higher from the start.

Discussions like these are like negotiating the terms of my surrender. Because when you anticipate being owned and used by an experienced Dominant like V, someone who’s invested in knowing, breaking, and remaking you, it often seems to not be a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when and how.’

But that’s not really true.

Because no matter how hard things click with a Dominant, one nagging question remains: how much will I need to trust this person before I truly surrender?

The amount of trust cannot be quantified, at least by me. To make things worse, I have built in trust issues that V will be ‘lucky enough’ to inherit. It doesn’t matter that I come by them honestly, nor that they kept me alive in a former life. What matters is  trust gets in the way long after it should’ve ceased to be a problem. What matters is these holdover survival skills stand as an obstacle between where I am and want to be.

Of course, I’ve told her what to expect. She responded with the following:

I get to see a side of you that no one else sees. Not just because you’re willful and independent with everyone but me, but because you already trust me enough to show me that side of you, and you will eventually trust me enough to let me in completely, let me know parts about you that you’d never dream of telling anyone else. And I’ll be the only one allowed access to that part of you, because you are so vigilant at keeping everyone else out.

What I perceive as a flaw, V perceives as something valuable. I don’t think my cynicism or trust issues are something we’ll ever agree on, but that’s hardly necessary. What’s necessary is that I work to be as obedient, sweet, and honest as possible. Secure in the knowledge that all my doubts and fears will sort themselves out. But – honesty – now there’s a point worth meditating on.

Honesty and candor are key. Especially, because the desire for intensity and rawness are points where V and I are obscenely compatible. We both want sessions that transcend the word ‘play’ – we both think safe words undermine a D/s dynamic – we both want this to go somewhere farther, deeper, darker than prior relationships while remaining mindful of just how treacherous this path can be.

Sadism, masochism, dominance, submission, control, humiliation, worship, obsession, co-dependence: all these words exist as mere abstractions until you actually engage with someone. Moreover, they change with time and experience, until they’ve become something different than what you anticipated.

But that doesn’t mean the conversations, probing questions, and writing assignments are any less important than experience. Honest responses are the foundation. The ground rules, expectations, the details – all of them a means of mapping the terrain of desire. They serve to inform and enrich the experience as well as ensuring I’m clear on what I’m entering into. They’ve also served as reassurance.

I’ve spoken on the phone with V damn near every day for the last two weeks. The topics of conversation are wide-ranging and interesting, but inevitably circle back to D/s dynamics and kinks. And I’ve been encouraged to ask her anything, anything that pops into my head with, “No filtering allowed.”

So the other night, I, reluctantly, brought up a topic, that’s been a point of contention in D/s relationships. I couldn’t help but hope for some reassurance on: sexual aggression.

It’s just that damn near every dominant I’ve been with has wanted me to be sexually aggressive at some point. No matter how much they enjoy a sweet, compliant boy, it has been a ‘thing’ that they somehow want to be  pressed and pursued, for me to take – or try to take – so they feel wanted. For some it’s been “Throw me on the bed just once,” with others it’s been as simple as being more aggressive with kissing. And I know this may seem trivial, but when it comes to a D/s dynamic, sexual aggression is something I’m profoundly uncomfortable with being expected to preform regularly. Of course, I’ve always complied, but it’s both difficult and disturbing to preform like this with any enthusiasm and then switch back.

It runs counter who I am as a submissive, and it fucks with my head.

This is a shortened version of what I told V, all of which she listened to patiently until I’d finished. There was a moment of silence before she chuckled.

“No, that’s not something I’ll ever want from you,” she said. “If you want attention, be sweet, compliant and slutty. That’s it. Sexual aggression is not something I enjoy or want. In fact – it’s the exact opposite of what I want. And if you ever start grinding against me or even try to possess my mouth with a kiss, I’ll reintroduce you to my strap-on, single-tail, and ball gag. I’ll put you right back in line.”

“Well, goddamn” I said sighing, relieved, and utterly smitten. But, even then, felt the need to reassure her somehow as well.

“I could be the big spoon now and then,” I offered, half-joking. “I mean sometimes. I don’t mind…”

“No, boy.” she said. “You won’t.”

That conversation ended the same way nearly all of our conversations have ended: with my feeling flushed and achy, all wet and wanting to curl up naked and collared in the palm of her hand, imagining her thumb pressed to the small of my back. These feelings, that image, forever causing the same words to catch in my throat.

“Oh…” I said. “Yes, Ma’am…”

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4 thoughts on “Mapping the Terrain

  1. Both of your comments are SO helpful! I was hesitant to turn your page into a “woe is me” advice column, but I’m glad I did because all of this is going to make my next conversation with him so much easier. Thank you!

    Jen, you said “active role,” and Polthus, you said “proactive service.” I think this defines exactly what I’m looking for, not aggression. It will do me good to be able to separate those concepts in my head and to be able to articulate that.

    While he may have some confidence or nervousness issues, seeing this laid out I do think I have a lot of responsibility for it. He is so sincere about wanting to please me and do a good job, and if I haven’t set expectations clearly, and with my own sense of confidence, how can he feel confident trying to do that? (Especially if I’m punishing him during other times for the slightest exercise of autonomy.)

    You guys are amazing, thank you for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. I’m lucky to have such excellent advisers. 🙂 I will update you with how things unfold.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. So hot, and thought provoking as always. V sounds incredibly confident. I like that. I also tend to take walls and trust issues as a little bit of a challenge (or breaking through them as a reward, more accurately), but the way V is so confident about her ability to do that is wonderful. I don’t want to promise something I don’t know if I can deliver, so I’ve hesitated on saying things like that. Maybe I shouldn’t.

    The sexual aggression piece is interesting too. I’m in that camp, alas. For me it’s both wanting to be shown I’m desired AND that domming for me is both a huge turn-on and very mentally taxing. When it’s time for me to take my orgasm(s), sometimes I do just want to shut off the part of my brain that’s always directing and controlling and just feel my pleasure. In the past I’ve done that by ordering my sub to take some control while he pleasures me. It’s a kind of aftercare for me, I think.

    But of course, some of the most amazing subs are uncomfortable with that, totally understandably. That’s why they’re amazing subs, because it runs deep in their core. I’m pretty sure I’m dealing with that with my new partner. We’ve recently introduced sex into our relationship – it was mostly non-sexual play before that, so although I know him well at this point, navigating that issue is new for us.

    My plan is to talk about it with him a bit, see what degree of control or aggression he’s comfortable with, and if it’s low like I expect, then to find a way to meet both of our needs. I think some reassurance that he’s truly interested in pleasuring me (like your worship post I loved) combined with a more broad direction on my part rather than micromanaging might do the trick. For example, I ordered him to give me a pre-sex massage recently and he literally wouldn’t move to a different part of my body without my instruction. Very obedient boy. Which is great, but I couldn’t completely relax while having to be an air traffic controller. I think if I can say “massage my whole body with your goal to be making me feel good and relaxed and turned-on,” that might meet both our needs. Would something like that work for you, do you think? Or do you have other suggestions?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand what you’re saying… I think (and Polthus, correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t want to put words in your mouth) there’s a bit of overlap in your comment between aggression and confidence. Polthus seems to be talking about being made to take on a more Dominant role sexually, while your situation with your sub seems to be more of an issue with confidence.

      When I think of the post about worship, that doesn’t seem sexually aggressive, so much as confident (I know I’m splitting hairs, I have a point, I promise). In that post, Polthus talks about his intimate knowledge of his Owner’s body, knowing how to bring her to that edge, he takes pride in giving her pleasure, and he is an expert at doing it. And that’s a good thing. I want any boy I ever own to have that kind of knowledge of my body, and how to give me pleasure like that.

      And I understand about wanting to turn your brain off when taking your orgasms. For me, it’s often difficult to achieve orgasm, and constantly barking direction will completely derail any effort I make. I want my boys to know what I want, what I like, and how to bring me over that edge, with a minimum of direction from me.

      But that’s not necessarily aggressive. It’s confidence. And it sounds like your boy lacks that confidence (which isn’t surprising, considering that the sexual aspect is relatively new). It’s something that takes time, but is so worth it. I can order my boys to give me an orgasm (or any kind of pleasure, really) and then lie back and relax, confident that they know how to do that and will obey me.

      I don’t think that’s the same thing as sexual aggression, though. Like, the two examples Polthus listed actually made me cringe. The idea of my submissive trying to throw me on the bed and “take me” is actually a little bit repulsive to me. I can definitely understand V’s point of view.

      So confidence is awesome. Knowing my body and how to give me pleasure is awesome. Giving a submissive the command “Make me cum” and having him immediately obey it without needing to be told how is awesome.

      But it does take time for some boys, to gain that confidence. He needs to learn your body, learn how to read your reactions, and take an active role in learning how to pleasure you. Some boys are naturally better at it than others, but all can be taught.

      Polthus, is that more or less where you’re coming from in terms of sexual aggression? Or am I completely off base?

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Thank you for the kind words regarding my posts. Seriously, it’s awesome to have such engaged, intelligent readers respond to my work. So thank you. It feels good!

      In regards to ‘sexual aggression’ – I have to say Jen hit precisely the points I would have made. Only, she is a lot more diplomatic than I woulda’vd been, so I’m glad she responded first.

      I saw your response earlier today and was waiting till I had time to compose a longish answer. But unlike Jen, my initial thoughts were much less forgiving of your submissive’s behavior. In fact, I was wrestling with a ‘nice’ way to respond because all I could think was:

      “If instructed to give a massage, why the fuck would someone rub a single limb until told to move on? I mean, unless micro-management is explicitly part of the dynamic or you’ve stated that’s a rule, who does that?”

      But, really, that’s an unfair reaction without knowing all the details. And after reading her response, I think Jen’s right to consider the fact the guy just very well be nervous. Furthermore, as someone who finds himself made ‘stupid’ and consistently nervous when engaged with my Dominant, I should have empathy.

      Point being, I can be a real dumbass.

      So apologies in advance if I come off as self-centered here; however, because opinions are such subjective critters, I’m forced to make the response more ‘about me’ than is seemly.

      I would humbly suggest the conversation could possibly become more about what you expect from him and any other submissive in regards to service. And because I do not want to put words in your mouth, I’ll opine below.

      Is constant micro-management relaxing? – Hell to the no. As you understand all to well, being someone’s Dominant requires a lot of time, effort, and energy. But some submissives need to get this memo: they have to put an equal amount of time and energy on their end of the spectrum. That is to say – unless they’ve been instructed to be a mindless object, their acting passive and robot-like is probably going to be annoying, tedious – or annoyingly tedious.

      Let me hasten to say, I’m not some ‘amazing submissive’ and have been plenty guilty of downright terrible behavior in the past. That said, I’d argue the ‘best kind’ of service is proactive service.

      So it all depends on what YOU WANT – and that’s where, in my experience, a submissive needs to be very cautious before building up her/his expectations as well as his/her dominant’s. Because D/s is full of nuances and 60 shades of some other color besides watered-down gradients of black; however, when it comes to expectations, I feel the more explicit and clear my marching orders are the better.

      As for sexual aggression – as I said above – Jen nailed it. I was talking about being told to be the aggressor. I’ve been instructed to be aggressive sexually because a Domme wants to feel “wanted” and they can “only achieve that sometimes” if I preform the some or all of the moves expected from an aggressive, vanilla guy in bed. Which begs the question:

      “Ummm, so the fact I am kneeling there nude, erect, and dripping, willing to beg for the most degrading things and hoping to worship her body – that doesn’t indicate desire?”

      Don’t get me wrong because, again, it depends on what one wants. If a Domme desires aggressive advances or actions, then who am I to say those are anything besides incompatible with what drives me. And there’s plenty of subs who’d jump at the chance to let ye old testosterone flow and just hump away. In contrast, for me, being instructed/expected to act like this forces me to assume a headspace I find antithetical to who I am with a Dominant. Also, after it’s over, I’m expected to fall right back into line as a submissive. Talk about a mind fuck.

      But you were not saying that above, so I digress… and I digress… and I digress.

      Was any of my rambling helpful? Hopefully some 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

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