I’ve had fantasies involving BDSM as far back as puberty, but my first significant experience occurred when I was fifteen. A punk kid in a big city, I was seduced by a Dominant woman in her mid thirties.
Even if you ignore my age, there was nothing safe, sane, or consensual about my first relationship. Admittedly, I’m still conflicted about the topic of consent, but I’ll leave that for another day. For better or worse – this experience was a defining event of my sexuality and helped to shape the core of who I am as a submissive. As a result, the bulk of my triggers, psychological ‘barriers, ‘ attitudes, and opinions regarding submission and service are holdovers from training under my first Dominant.
It will hardly shock you – twisted reader – to learn that roughly two years after it began, this ‘relationship’ went up in flames.
Over the next two decades, I drifted in and out of lifestyle BDSM and D/s relationships occupying various roles within them. But for a long time, nothing serious developed. As a submissive, I had a number of half-starts, a few terrible experiences as well as some good ones. But I didn’t feel the ache and want in the marrow of my bones like I did the first time. That is until I met an amazing Dominant.
A few years ago, I was privileged to be collared and owned by a sexy, intelligent, and loving Dominant woman. This was my first significant adult/mature D/s relationship. It was a formative experience for me in a multitude of ways that begs to be a subject for a post. In the meantime, I’d just say this relationship taught me a lot about myself and how I relate to Dominant females.
Then life happened. I had to move, she had to stay, and the relationship, effectively, ended.
I wish I could say, things ended well, but they didn’t. That the relationship ended so poorly is partly my fault and partly just how things go. I take comfort in the fact we’re friends, and It’s my fondest wish that time will heal the wound between us.
It took about eighteen months to mourn that relationship. Near the end of that time, I started this blog, in part, to help me through the process. I had serious doubts as to whether I’d ever submit to anyone else.
Prior to this, when a relationship ended, I’d simply ‘do my thing;’ I didn’t think much about what was missing because I really had no idea. However, having experienced just how intimate and intense a mature dynamic could be, the lack of both service and guidance began wearing on me.
I was extremely uncomfortable with actively searching for another Dominant for a number of reasons: I was suspect of ‘meeting’ someone online; I have trust issues; and I was still pretty broken up over the way my last relationship ended.
And there was something else – I didn’t want to ‘hope to hard’ as that sends out a desperate, toxic vibe – like the hooks are out. Simply put: you seldom find the right person until you stop looking.
Accordingly, I began casual correspondence with a few compassionate and intelligent souls who helped provide different perspectives, gave me some good advice as well as the occasional reality check, and allowed me to vent. That correspondence was incredibly helpful, and I’ll always be grateful to those who reached out when I was in pain.
Although I remained frustrated and was in fairly low spirits, I’m proud to say I remained mindful about keeping my expectations low and worked hard to keep myself in check. Time passed, emails were exchanged, work got done, and I pretty much gave up on actively thinking about ‘what was next.’
Sure enough – as soon as I stopped thinking about the fact I lacked Dominant, one claimed me.
V was one of the Dominants I’d been corresponding with. We got along extraordinarily well and had a number of terrific of conversation completely unrelated to D/s. However, because D/s is a mutual obsession, it certainly came up from time to time. And since V has such wealth of experience, I valued and often sought her advice.
I kept my expectations low, enjoyed the connection and discourse, and looked forward to building a friendship. So I was quite surprised when V offered to be my Dominant. Once the shock wore off, I agreed to enter her service and give her my submission.
In the beginning, we agreed this would be a casual commitment for pragmatic reasons. V lives very far away, and both of us were suspect of remote dynamics. That said, having someone to guide me and keep me accountable was like having an immense weight lifted from my sternum. I could breathe again.
And then – holy fuck – things got intense and stayed that way, exponentially more intense than any other remote dynamic I’ve experienced. I think part of the reason this happened is compatibility. Once V actively assumed the role as my Dominant, we began comparing notes on the ‘specifics’ of what we wanted and expected out of a Female Led Relationship as well as the BDSM activities we’re into.
Those conversations revealed we’re obscenely compatible. And, once again, things happened a lot faster than I expected. How fast? Three weeks after these conversations started,V arranged for us to meet in a few months so she could formally collar me .
And so that ‘kind of’ brings this chapter of my personal history up to date. I still need to knock together five or six posts regarding some details on the ‘why’ and ‘how ’ this relationship progressed so quickly, yet it’s not setting off alarm bells.
Another topic that needs addressing is how my relationship with my former Dominant prepared me to engage with someone of V’s caliber. While important to think about, this is a hard topic to expand on. Frankly, I’m not pleased with how I appear under the harsh light of self-scrutiny. But it’s a topic I’ve been meaning to explore.
Then the distance got to me, I I couldn’t handle the intensity and the frequency of sub drop that occurred with increased frequency. I began spiraling into depression regularly. Having exhausted other options, V released me from her collar.
I haven’t written much on the topic besides this brief post because it was so recent. Unsurprisingly, I’m still half numb from the experience. That we are still friends and in near constant contact keeps me from falling into a deep depression, and I’m profoundly grateful she remains a part of my life.
Going forward, I’m planning to blog much less about personal matters and post a lot more fiction. But that was my plan in the first place, so we’ll see how that goes.
Anyway – all this is part of my history now. If you care to read more, stick around.