She’s made it clear as to how she wants me most of the time: collared, naked, plugged, and sore.
“Always a bit sore,” she said, “every day until you don’t remember what it it’s like to not have a sore hole, cock, or both.”
Two weeks from now I’ll be wearing V’s collar. As I’ve said before, her placing a physical collar on my neck is a formality because I’m already in her service. But when it comes to significance and impact, there’s a world of difference between the idea of something and experiencing the act. So knowing she’ll be here in about fourteen days has me nervous and excited.
Also…a little scared.
Why scared? Well, I’ve spent months talking to V on a daily basis, and written lengthy emails containing experiences, likes, dislikes, limits, fantasies, and fears. She knows anything she’s cared to ask on top of whatever has popped into my head without editing. V has told me a lot about herself and her preferences as well, so we’ve learned a lot about each other. Yet the two things that have me worried are the depth of her experience and our compatibility.
Of course, her experience is more a source of comfort than anything. Because it means I’m in good hands, and something like how neither of us believe in safe words will not be abused. That is to say, I have no ‘real reason’ to think she’ll be flaying the skin of my back with a single-tail an hour after we meet.
No, I am quite sure she’ll move quite slowly when it comes to exercising her privileges. Just as I’m equally certain she will push me hard once she’s ready. So the irony that her ability scares me less than our mutual preferences is not lost on me.
Alright, that’s not exactly true…It’s the combination of the two.
I’ve been as honest and up-front as possible. In the process, I’ve revealed myself to be needy, slutty, greedy, masochistic boy when it comes to my sexual urges. “So what?” might be your response. That’s pretty much the profile of most submissives to some degree.
Agreed, but there’s a big difference between ‘playing’ a role when it’s sexy time and just letting go to be yourself in the day-to-day environment of a D/s dynamic. And then there’s what ‘s focused on and cultivated. There’s what a Dominant wants to see more of and what they don’t care for. In this case, the fact we both find many of the same behaviors and emotional dynamics appealing and want to ramp them up that has me spooked.
V has taken care to feed my neediness and slutty greed with enthusiasm that’s…well, it’s as alarming as it is seductive. Where a former Dominant enjoyed my frustrated yet silent suffering more than vocal begging, V has devoured every whimper and word only to state she she wants more. Where other Dominants have sought to use lust as a tool of denial to gain compliance, V has given me every indication I’ll soon find myself choked by my greed.
That, frankly, has me a bit worried.
Let me be clear, I don’t mean serious worry or fear. The more I get to know V, the better I understand my well-being trumps whatever deliciously twisted fantasies are running through her head. If anything, I think she’s likely to dole out all the fucking, beatings, humiliation, tender aftercare, and coddling I can handle – before seducing me into begging for more. Only once I’m sexually sated, physically spent, and emotionally raw, will she settle in to gently but firmly push me until I’m no longer able to take what I lusted after just hours before.
It won’t take much at that point, and I get the feeling V will know exactly when a certain moment arrives and what she wants to do with it.
Ultimately, knowing that certain moment is likely to arrive under her hand sooner than later is what scares me almost as much as it turns me on.