Declining to Play the Numbers Game

If you’re a submissive guy looking to start a relationship, and imagine yourself competing with legions of male subs for a the attention of a handful of Dommes, I have good news: submissive men are less common and more sought after than sources on the internet might lead you to believe.

The disparity in numbers between dominant women and submissive men is a popular topic on D/s forums. While there have been a few voices of dissent, the prevailing opinion is submissive males outnumber dominant females.

I believe the prevailing view to be incorrect.


In fact, I think an approximate parity in the ratio between Dommes and subs is more likely. Furthermore, if there is a disparity, I suspect there are fewer male submissives actively seeking partners than dominant females.

But before I opine any further, some qualifiers and clarification are in order.

First, let me narrow the scope of my argument: I’m talking about those seeking a specific kind of dynamic. And to keep things tidy, some generalization is required. For the sake of simplicity, I’m lumping people into two camps, ‘occasional’ and ‘lifestyle.’ Second, because I think the ability to gather sound data on the subject is damn near impossible, I’m not going to parse numbers. So what follows is an admittedly subjective and anecdotal take on a very narrow section of the D/s community.

Let’s review – I just narrowed the field before generalizing those under discussion, and I refuse to provide any evidence besides personal anecdotes.

Yep, that about covers it!

Okay, so now that’s out of the way, here’s my take.

The chief complaint I hear from dominant women with online profiles is the massive amount of inappropriate messages they receive. Men who send messages like, ‘U R hot. Wanna Dominat3 me!?’ – send pictures of their junk – send offensive notes stating the woman is confused and is the one who needs dominating. These are just a few examples of the kind of repugnant material Dommes receive regularly.  Adding insult to injury, men who are rejected will often follow up with derogatory comments and/or threats of rape or physical violence.

Another common complaint is flakes. Guys will start a conversation only to vaporize after a few emails while others get cold feet days, or even hours, before the first meeting. Of course, a lot of this is likely due to the fact the man misrepresented himself in the first place, but the specific reasons ‘why men flake out’ aren’t important to this discussion. What’s important is this: for whatever reason, a lot of seemingly viable prospective partners, turn out to be full of shit.

Many women using online dating have similar experiences, so don’t think I’m claiming it’s exclusive to female dominants with profiles on Fetlife or Collarspace. That said, I do wonder if women who express an interest in kink get harassed more often than those who come off as ‘straight laced.’

As embarrassing as this behavior is to our gender, you can’t hope to sort out the way other men behave.  What you can do is stand out as the exception to the general rule. If these complaints are true – and we’d be foolish to think they aren’t – then dominant women find themselves perpetually awash in a cacophony of ignorance, rudeness, threats, liars, and flakes.

That’s your competition?

Apparently it is, but if you ask me, that’s no competition at all.

The time to worry will come when we hear Dommes complaining they receive so many thoughtful, articulate emails from submissive men they’re torn deciding on which one to respond to, or they simply don’t have enough free time to meet with a fraction of the earnest, submissive boys clamoring for their attention.

Actually, I’d love to hear these complaints, but I don’t think it’ll happen anytime soon.

So the fact you’re up against abusive flakes is one thing, but not all of them are brutes. So the next points of consideration are seriousness and sincerity. Because there’s a massive difference between submissive men who desire a female-led relationship, and those who are bedroom only or ‘do me’ subs. I’ve written about why I think those who limit a D/s dynamic to the bedroom are missing out, but it’s not meant to be as judgmental as it sounds. Lifestyle D/s is simply not a lot of folks’s cuppa, and that’s just fine.

That said – the number of serious and sincere dominant women seeking lifestyle D/s relationships seems to be larger than the number of submissive men looking for the same dynamic.

Anyway, you might feel this here rant is opinionated, anecdotal, and lacks empirical evidence. I’ll not argue any of those points, but I stand by my observations. And If you’re a submissive guy who sincerely wants a lifestyle D/s relationship – and to live subordinate to loving, female authority – then it’s highly likely you’d never dream of the atrocious behavior outlined above. You’ve already surpassed the mouth breathers without breaking a sweat.

But maybe you haven’t yet figured out you’re the exception to the mob of subs milling about.  Maybe you can’t yet see you stand apart from those who choose brute force and ignorance to win a contest where emotional intelligence and empathy are prized. And, really, it doesn’t matter how you identify – submissive, dominant, or switch – attempting to utilize ‘the numbers game’ as as a means of engaging someone genuinely invested in lifestyle BDSM is just plain stupid.

Think I’m full of it? Join the mob, and choose to be a victim of circumstance. Play the numbers game. Let me know how that works out for you.


14 thoughts on “Declining to Play the Numbers Game

  1. You make interesting points in this post. I’ve never met a dominant woman who complained about an over-abundance of lifestyle submissive guys she had to choose from. Instead, the complaints often center around players, fastasy guys and flakes. Usually the cliche: “a good man is hard to find” typifies the situation for both kink and vanilla relationships.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The ubiquity of these forum posts perpetuating the mythical scarcity of submissive males is oddly divorced from reality, isn’t it? I mean, I’ve already conceded the lack of data, but, frankly, I don’t see how it’s necessary. -If there are doubters, let them go survey ten lifestyle Dommes and see if they relate a different experience.

      Thanks for the comment and the reblog.


  2. I have to agree from what I’ve seen, and only from my experiences talking with different people, the difference between “do-me” and lifestyle type /s/ stuff is huge. I also think that the lifestyle /s/ types are indeed in short supply.

    It’s hard to tell too where someone falls just talking to them, unless they start in with the clear indicators. So that leads to the awkward situations you mention (the flake outs and such). I think it’s fantasy-territory for many and when faced with the reality of it, it can be a bit terrifying if you’re not *really* looking for that.

    I also agree that it’s really terrible how some people lash out and just don’t seem to know how to handle themselves. It’s not even really a D/s thing, but a life skills thing. I don’t understand why some guys that are rejected turn to attack mode as a response.

    I think if you’re looking for a lifestyle /s/ place to be, you have to start with yourself first, get your head in order, figure out how you want to present yourself and figure out what that says to the people you interact with. You’re right on the “that’s your competition???” – if your approach is respectful, supportive and truly in that serving and /s/ mindspace to your partner, it will shine through and indeed you’ll be a much more sought after and rare bird.

    The ratio of respectful, humble, sincere lifestyle-oriented submissive men to Dommes that are interested in the same seems to be to be indeed favoring the Dommes. It’s not easy, and it takes constant tuning and work. I don’t know if it’s possible to get to a point where it’s just perfect all the time, but the work to improve and refine is important.

    Of course, like you mention, it’s just observations, no data to back that up. Could be all hogwash. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate the thoughtful response.

      And I agree that many of the people who flake out are likely scared off by fantasy becoming reality. Your other point about men lashing out after being rejected after contacting a vanilla profile is well-taken; guys can be dicks – sometimes unfathomably callous/sociopathic dicks – although, again, I do wonder if women with kinky interests are seen as ‘easier targets’ because of their identifying as something not recognized as ‘normal.’

      But, of course, all of this is conjecture…I feel it’s informed conjecture but still strong on opinion and anemic when it comes to evidence.

      Thanks for commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I completely agree! My inbox is flooded with messages from the do-me subs, and even from genuine, non-flake people who want a mostly-vanilla relationship “with a side of kink.” But the ones who, like me, want a 24/7 D/s relationship are much rarer.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for the validation. I’m waiting for someone to dispute my perception of the situation. But the blog probably doesn’t have a large enough audience to produce one. Every Domme reader I have is lifestyle…at least the ones I ‘know.’ But I’ve yet to hear from male submissives…

      Thanks again for commenting!

      Liked by 2 people

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