Declining to Play the Numbers Game

If you’re a submissive guy looking to start a relationship, and imagine yourself competing with legions of male subs for a the attention of a handful of Dommes, I have good news: submissive men are less common and more sought after than sources on the internet might lead you to believe.

The disparity in numbers between dominant women and submissive men is a popular topic on D/s forums. While there have been a few voices of dissent, the prevailing opinion is submissive males outnumber dominant females.

I believe the prevailing view to be incorrect.


In fact, I think an approximate parity in the ratio between Dommes and subs is more likely. Furthermore, if there is a disparity, I suspect there are fewer male submissives actively seeking partners than dominant females.

But before I opine any further, some qualifiers and clarification are in order.

First, let me narrow the scope of my argument: I’m talking about those seeking a specific kind of dynamic. And to keep things tidy, some generalization is required. For the sake of simplicity, I’m lumping people into two camps, ‘occasional’ and ‘lifestyle.’ Second, because I think the ability to gather sound data on the subject is damn near impossible, I’m not going to parse numbers. So what follows is an admittedly subjective and anecdotal take on a very narrow section of the D/s community.

Let’s review – I just narrowed the field before generalizing those under discussion, and I refuse to provide any evidence besides personal anecdotes.

Yep, that about covers it!

Okay, so now that’s out of the way, here’s my take.

The chief complaint I hear from dominant women with online profiles is the massive amount of inappropriate messages they receive. Men who send messages like, ‘U R hot. Wanna Dominat3 me!?’ – send pictures of their junk – send offensive notes stating the woman is confused and is the one who needs dominating. These are just a few examples of the kind of repugnant material Dommes receive regularly.  Adding insult to injury, men who are rejected will often follow up with derogatory comments and/or threats of rape or physical violence.

Another common complaint is flakes. Guys will start a conversation only to vaporize after a few emails while others get cold feet days, or even hours, before the first meeting. Of course, a lot of this is likely due to the fact the man misrepresented himself in the first place, but the specific reasons ‘why men flake out’ aren’t important to this discussion. What’s important is this: for whatever reason, a lot of seemingly viable prospective partners, turn out to be full of shit.

Many women using online dating have similar experiences, so don’t think I’m claiming it’s exclusive to female dominants with profiles on Fetlife or Collarspace. That said, I do wonder if women who express an interest in kink get harassed more often than those who come off as ‘straight laced.’

As embarrassing as this behavior is to our gender, you can’t hope to sort out the way other men behave.  What you can do is stand out as the exception to the general rule. If these complaints are true – and we’d be foolish to think they aren’t – then dominant women find themselves perpetually awash in a cacophony of ignorance, rudeness, threats, liars, and flakes.

That’s your competition?

Apparently it is, but if you ask me, that’s no competition at all.

The time to worry will come when we hear Dommes complaining they receive so many thoughtful, articulate emails from submissive men they’re torn deciding on which one to respond to, or they simply don’t have enough free time to meet with a fraction of the earnest, submissive boys clamoring for their attention.

Actually, I’d love to hear these complaints, but I don’t think it’ll happen anytime soon.

So the fact you’re up against abusive flakes is one thing, but not all of them are brutes. So the next points of consideration are seriousness and sincerity. Because there’s a massive difference between submissive men who desire a female-led relationship, and those who are bedroom only or ‘do me’ subs. I’ve written about why I think those who limit a D/s dynamic to the bedroom are missing out, but it’s not meant to be as judgmental as it sounds. Lifestyle D/s is simply not a lot of folks’s cuppa, and that’s just fine.

That said – the number of serious and sincere dominant women seeking lifestyle D/s relationships seems to be larger than the number of submissive men looking for the same dynamic.

Anyway, you might feel this here rant is opinionated, anecdotal, and lacks empirical evidence. I’ll not argue any of those points, but I stand by my observations. And If you’re a submissive guy who sincerely wants a lifestyle D/s relationship – and to live subordinate to loving, female authority – then it’s highly likely you’d never dream of the atrocious behavior outlined above. You’ve already surpassed the mouth breathers without breaking a sweat.

But maybe you haven’t yet figured out you’re the exception to the mob of subs milling about.  Maybe you can’t yet see you stand apart from those who choose brute force and ignorance to win a contest where emotional intelligence and empathy are prized. And, really, it doesn’t matter how you identify – submissive, dominant, or switch – attempting to utilize ‘the numbers game’ as as a means of engaging someone genuinely invested in lifestyle BDSM is just plain stupid.

Think I’m full of it? Join the mob, and choose to be a victim of circumstance. Play the numbers game. Let me know how that works out for you.


15 thoughts on “Declining to Play the Numbers Game

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