What do you want from me? I was fucking prostate with grief! ~ Tony Soprano
No – there was none of the the ‘good kind’ of prostration. I was sick for a while, then my illness got complicated, and then my complications got complicated. Then I got the depression real hard.
There’s a fuck-ton of pseudo-circular logic and self-analysis inside. So if you don’t want to read that kind of material, consider skipping this post.
Alright, so maybe it’s not a whole ‘fuck-ton,’ but some people don’t want to read any journaling such as this. anyway, I’m not sure I’ve beaten the blues just yet.
Just to be clear, I’m not posting this so folks will pitch in for a pity party. I’m just telling you how it is. Because when I get this low, it’s like I can look in from the outside and think, “Man, your brain chemistry is off because there’s no real reason to be depressed.”
Realizing something is off doesn’t change how I feel. But calling myself out at least keeps me from wallowing. But then there’s this other tendency to dismiss the glaring fact there’s an actual issue.
You’d think obvious negative events such as days spent in bed and MD appointments would stand out as points to consider when depressed. However, I’m so heavily self-programmed to push through pain/stress/whatever that I’ll often dismiss any issues as inconsequential and continue with my ‘suck it the fuck up’ regimen until I finally crash and burn. In other words, swap out “self-programmed” with the word “obtuse,” adjust the syntax and wording some, and the whole statement is more accurate.
Sometimes, it’s only once I’ve gone down in flames that I see what caused the crash. Not always…just sometimes.
To recap – I’m struggling with some shit. some of it’s mental and some of it’s physical. No, I won’t be more specific than that. But I think I’ll soon be back to my working schedule. Unless I get blindsided by some other damn issue. We’ll see…
As always, V has been patient, supportive, and amazing. I am consistently reminded how lucky I am to be her boy.
We’ll resume our regularly scheduled stream of inane ranting and depraved thoughts as soon as possible.