This is a tribute to my former Dominant. If you know V, then you’ll understand all the gushing and use of superlatives. If you don’t know her or haven’t read her blog, that’s an oversight to be corrected. Regardless of my obvious bias, having been her collared boy, this neither undermines nor invalidate the praise. To the contrary, mine is informed praise.
I’ve been meaning to write a variation of this piece for a long time. In fact, I pondered doing so at least six months before V released me from her collar. While I’ve mentioned her numerous times – included snippets of private notes, conversations, and images of our time together – I’ve never written a post enumerating just how much I learned and thrived while in her service. Accomplishing this in the span of one post is nearly impossible, so there are likely to be more. Regardless, these words are long overdue.
Why am I writing this now? Why not earlier?
Because I opened up, showing her every scar and blemish only to be told each were beautiful. Because she was patient and kind to a boy with hideous trust issues, eventually, becoming my rock and confessor. Because I mean that last sentence and told her things that no one else knows. Because I have no fear anyone will ever hear my words from her lips. Because she helped to refine the submissive aspects of my personality while cherishing those that weren’t. Because she actively encouraged me to think less, need more, speak without a filter, and depend on her. Because, given the opportunity, she would take that neediness and dependence to extremes I thought impossible outside my imagination. Because I would trust her to guide me there and back again. Because I was forbidden from using her first name in public or private and would be kept naked, collared, sore and plugged in her home. Because I was not allowed a safe word, and relied on her judgement and mercy as the only court of appeal. Because she would relish breaking me. Because I would love to have her be the one to do so. Because an honorific means so much more now. Because after releasing me, she has remained in constant contact, neither abusing or betraying the need she enabled. Because she’s been firmly yet gently worked to lessen that need. Because I already loved her but only love her more for her integrity. Because she’s kept me as a part of her life and remains a valued and steadfast friend. Because, although I’m out of collar, she allows me to call her Ma’am. Because I might not be out of her collar forever…
No – the last point cheapens my praise because all of this is true regardless of my status.
And the second question, “Why not earlier?”
The answer’s simple and unflattering: I failed to write this earlier because her descriptions of me were so raw and beautiful that I was intimidated. I was afraid of being unable to meet the standard she set. As a result, I failed to properly rise to the occasion until now.
Confused? Imagine you fancy yourself a writer. Now imagine someone you love, respect and worship writes about you in ways that cause you to blush every time you read their words. What happens when you feel unable to match their description with equal beauty? I confess, this experience caused me to neglect, properly, articulating just how amazing my former Dominant is until now. Obviously, I’m not proud of this – just owning it.
Typing the words ‘former Dominant’ hurt like a motherfucker by the way….So it goes…But I need to suck it up and talk about one of the earliest lessons V taught me and how it led to more important breakthroughs.
Sorting Self Image and Trust Issues
Although most of our contact was long-distance, V began probing and managing my fears and negative self-perception early on. One morning, I checked my email and found she’d given me a visualization exercise to use for anxiety. Just after the exercise was the following writing assignment:
Once a day, I want you to tell me one thing you love about me, one thing you love about yourself, and one thing you feel I love about you. And make it good, little boy.
This was a daunting task. Not because I couldn’t think of aspects of her I loved but because she expected me to articulate twice as many positive things about myself. And she expected these notes to be well written and sent daily?
I didn’t whine about the assignment (At least I don’t remember whining…) and was determined not to let her down. But I was certainly skeptical about writing substantive notes on things about myself I thought worthy of love. However, as time wore on, I found there was plenty to talk about on all three points. And the more I talked to V, the more information I possessed for each part of the assignment.
This was the first of many lessons and experiences that helped me to begin trusting V’s judgement. Somewhere along the way, I began to trust the soundness of her decisions ‘mostly’ without question. And while the statement, ‘ it’s important to trust your dominant’s judgment,’ is hardly insightful, the ability to be dead certain you’re in good hands is crucial if you’re even considering a 24/7 – TPE dynamic.
But I feel like it was an extraordinarily short amount of time before I was opening up to V more than I had with most Dommes I’d served. Part of it may have been because I was still ‘slightly’ recovering from a prior D/s relationship where my behavior had been less than exemplary and was determined to push myself to do better. But I wouldn’t have made myself vulnerable unless I felt safe. It wasn’t long before I knew at a gut level that I was in good hands with V.
Looking back, I feel this was due to a number of factors: V proved I could rely on her to be there when I needed her; she created a safe place to find shelter; and while not a ‘soft touch’ by any metric, she proved to be remarkably reasonable when it came to forgiving minor errors or infractions as long as I was sincerely contrite and remained eager to please.
And despite being naturally Dominant, greedy for control, and deliciously sadistic in session – I still marvel at how fucking sweet she is. As long as I’m submissive, remember my place, and do as instructed, I’ve found V to be one of the most reasonable people I’ve ever met.
That said, I wouldn’t want her angry with me. After experiencing V’s energy and ruthlessness in what were fairly mild sessions, I quickly discerned she has the knowledge, power and expertise to make boy thoroughly miserable if there’s a point to be made. Nope – I do not want her angry with me and have cultivated a healthy fear of what she’s capable of.
And, really, she was so generous with praise, affection, use, and attention when pleased with me that I knew the inverse would be proportionally awful. To this day, I have zero desire to discover what V displeased feels like, and she knows it.
As she puts it: “Every relationship benefits from just a little bit of fear.”
Image source: reblogged from the Tumblr account of amadiana2015