Tribute

Bow down and worship

This is a tribute to my former Dominant. If you know V, then you’ll understand all the gushing and use of superlatives. If you don’t know her or haven’t read her blog, that’s an oversight to be corrected. Regardless of my obvious bias, having been her collared boy, this neither undermines nor invalidate the praise. To the contrary, mine is informed praise.

I’ve been meaning to write a variation of this piece for a long time. In fact, I pondered doing so at least six months before V released me from her collar. While I’ve mentioned her numerous times – included snippets of private notes, conversations, and images of our time together – I’ve never written a post enumerating just how much I learned and thrived while in her service. Accomplishing this in the span of one post is nearly impossible, so there are likely to be more. Regardless, these words are long overdue.

Why am I writing this now? Why not earlier?

Why, because…

Because I opened up, showing her every scar and blemish only to be told each were beautiful. Because she was patient and kind to a boy with hideous trust issues, eventually, becoming my rock and confessor. Because I mean that last sentence and told her things that no one else knows. Because I have no fear anyone will ever hear my words from her lips. Because she helped to refine the submissive aspects of my personality while cherishing those that weren’t. Because she actively encouraged me to think less, need more, speak without a filter, and depend on her. Because, given the opportunity, she would take that neediness and dependence to extremes I thought impossible outside my imagination. Because I would trust her to guide me there and back again. Because I was forbidden from using her first name in public or private and would be kept naked, collared, sore and plugged in her home. Because I was not allowed a safe word, and relied on her judgement and mercy as the only court of appeal. Because she would relish breaking me. Because I would love to have her be the one to do so. Because an honorific means so much more now. Because after releasing me, she has remained in constant contact, neither abusing or betraying the need she enabled. Because she’s been firmly yet gently worked to lessen that need. Because I already loved her but only love her more for her integrity. Because she’s kept me as a part of her life and remains a valued and steadfast friend. Because, although I’m out of collar, she allows me to call her Ma’am. Because I might not be out of her collar forever…

No – the last point cheapens my praise because all of this is true regardless of my status.

And the second question, “Why not earlier?”

The answer’s simple and unflattering: I failed to write this earlier because her descriptions of me were so raw and beautiful that I was intimidated. I was afraid of being unable to meet the standard she set. As a result, I failed to properly rise to the occasion until now.

Confused? Imagine you fancy yourself a writer. Now imagine someone you love, respect and worship writes about you in ways that cause you to blush every time you read their words. What happens when you feel unable to match their description with equal beauty? I confess, this experience caused me to neglect, properly, articulating just how amazing my former Dominant is until now. Obviously, I’m not proud of this – just owning it.

Typing the words ‘former Dominant’ hurt like a motherfucker by the way….So it goes…But I need to suck it up and talk about one of the earliest lessons V taught me and how it led to more important breakthroughs.

Sorting Self Image and Trust Issues
Although most of our contact was long-distance, V began probing and managing my fears and negative self-perception early on. One morning, I checked my email and found she’d given me a visualization exercise to use for anxiety. Just after the exercise was the following writing assignment:

Once a day, I want you to tell me one thing you love about me, one thing you love about yourself, and one thing you feel I love about you. And make it good, little boy.

This was a daunting task. Not because I couldn’t think of aspects of her I loved but because she expected me to articulate twice as many positive things about myself. And she expected these notes to be well written and sent daily?

I didn’t whine about the assignment (At least I don’t remember whining…) and was determined not to let her down. But I was certainly skeptical about writing substantive notes on things about myself I thought worthy of love. However, as time wore on, I found there was plenty to talk about on all three points. And the more I talked to V, the more information I possessed for each part of the assignment.

This was the first of many lessons and experiences that helped me to begin trusting V’s judgement. Somewhere along the way, I began to trust the soundness of her decisions ‘mostly’ without question. And while the statement, ‘ it’s important to trust your dominant’s judgment,’ is hardly insightful, the ability to be dead certain you’re in good hands is crucial if you’re even considering a 24/7 – TPE dynamic.

But I feel like it was an extraordinarily short amount of time before I was opening up to V more than I had with most Dommes I’d served. Part of it may have been because I was still ‘slightly’ recovering from a prior D/s relationship where my behavior had been less than exemplary and was determined to push myself to do better. But I wouldn’t have made myself vulnerable unless I felt safe. It wasn’t long before I knew at a gut level that I was in good hands with V.

Looking back, I feel this was due to a number of factors: V proved I could rely on her to be there when I needed her; she created a safe place to find shelter; and while not a ‘soft touch’ by any metric, she proved to be remarkably reasonable when it came to forgiving minor errors or infractions as long as I was sincerely contrite and remained eager to please.

And despite being naturally Dominant, greedy for control, and deliciously sadistic in session – I still marvel at how fucking sweet she is. As long as I’m submissive, remember my place, and do as instructed, I’ve found V to be one of the most reasonable people I’ve ever met.

That said, I wouldn’t want her angry with me. After experiencing V’s energy and ruthlessness in what were fairly mild sessions, I quickly discerned she has the knowledge, power and expertise to make boy thoroughly miserable if there’s a point to be made. Nope – I do not want her angry with me and have cultivated a healthy fear of what she’s capable of.

And, really, she was so generous with praise, affection, use, and attention when pleased with me that I knew the inverse would be proportionally awful. To this day, I have zero desire to discover what V displeased feels like, and she knows it.

As she puts it: “Every relationship benefits from just a little bit of fear.”

Read: Tribute Part II – Identity and Loyalty


Image source: reblogged from the Tumblr account of  amadiana2015

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Tribute

  1. Hello. I believe this is the first time that I have commented here, but you were the 2nd follower I had when I moved over to WordPress and while I have mothballed that version of the blog, it still meant a lot to me. V’s blog is indeed amazing and it was a nice surprise when I found a post that revealed that you were hers.

    I think that you are doing a fine job in your praise so far. When I read her blog posts, both the standard type and the ones where she has shared some of the hard life experiences she has faced I am constantly wowed by the well-crafted suit of armor she has developed to keep herself clean from the shit the world tries to defile us with. At times I find myself wondering how amazing that person must be underneath the armor. What you have written confirms what I have pictured.

    I can empathize heavily with the flow of emotions that you are sharing with us. I know that every time you find the right words to describe just how amazing you feel she is that it will be met with a stabbing pain in your heart. I believe that you will keep going, and each new line will stab you but you’ll power through it because the feelings you want to express are just that strong. The feelings that you had, the connection that was there, the inevitable feelings of loss and regret… they will sting badly. What I also see in your words is that you are able to feel your appreciation for what was there and what is there now without having it clouded by anything negative. I believe that shows a strong and good heart. It also shows that you acknowledge how special it is that she is still here.

    Don’t feel bad that you waited a few months to write this. I could be wrong but even though you cite other reasons, it feels more like this is the time that you found enough clarity in your heart to undertake the endeavor. Even though I don’t know V directly, nor do I wish to speak for her, my guess is that even if you struggle writing this and hope to find every perfect word and phrase to describe what is in your heart, that she will appreciate how hard you tried and what this means to you even more than the words you use to say them. It took me 12 years to write my tribute to K. A few months isn’t so long 🙂

    Be strong. Steer the course. Even though we are strangers I’d still sling a fist bump, bro hug, or whatever kind of acceptable display of emotional support I could if I was nearby. There is courage in your honesty.

    Take care and thank you for sharing. Your words resonate very strongly with those of us who have felt similar things.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there!

      “you were the 2nd follower I had when I moved over to WordPress and while I have mothballed that version of the blog, it still meant a lot to me. V’s blog is indeed amazing and it was a nice surprise when I found a post that revealed that you were hers.”

      I wondered what happened to your old blog, and, yes, V’s blog rocks.

      “I think that you are doing a fine job in your praise so far.”

      Thank you. I’m doing my best and appreciate the compliment.

      “”I can empathize heavily with the flow of emotions that you are sharing with us. I know that every time you find the right words to describe just how amazing you feel she is that it will be met with a stabbing pain in your heart.”

      Yes, it’s been painful, but I do feel better at the same time. Although V never felt slighted, and there a bits and pieces of her wisdom scattered throughout this blog. However, I’ve long felt a nagging sense of guilt for not publicly and thoroughly articulating just how much I admire her. Working to do so helps to assuage that feeling.

      “Don’t feel bad that you waited a few months to write this….It took me 12 years to write my tribute to K. A few months isn’t so long.”

      Well, when you put it that way…yeah, I suppose it isn’t! Although, really, it takes different people different amounts of time to process things. Did you feel better after you wrote your piece for K’A? Did she enjoy reading it?

      “Be strong. Steer the course. Even though we are strangers I’d still sling a fist bump, bro hug, or whatever kind of acceptable display of emotional support I could if I was nearby. There is courage in your honesty.”

      Submissive solidarity fist bumps and bro hugs are both welcomed. (In real life, my personal space extends about 6 feet in every direction, but here on the interwebs I’m comfortable with the contact. Ha!) But, seriously, thank you for the kind words. This hasn’t been easy…

      All your thoughtful comments are greatly appreciated. It always feels good to know I’m connecting with readers.

      Take care, and don’t be a stranger!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Hello and thank you for the reply. I’m crossing my fingers that my HTML code will work in comments.

      “I wondered what happened to your old blog, and, yes, V’s blog rocks.”
      I made a mistake thinking that WordPress was like Blogger. When I self-flagged my blog as mature I had thought it would just put up like a mature content warning. I didn’t know it would make me completely invisible to searches. I will post the links if you wanted to follow either.
      The newer version is here: https://fcsyblog.wordpress.com/
      My primary blog that has all of my posts is: https://furcissy.blogspot.com/

      I had found the Blogger community to be rather intolerant of “my type of blog” so when I mirrored here I limited what posts would go live.

      “Yes, it’s been painful, but I do feel better at the same time.”
      Feeling better at the end of it is what makes it worth doing. Unfortunately it doesn’t make it any easier getting there.

      “Did you feel better after you wrote your piece for K? Did she enjoy reading it?”
      Unfortunately K died 13 years ago and pushed me away in the months leading up the the cancer finally taking her. It took me upwards of 10 hours to write my tribute. I had to stop to cry about a dozen times and threw up once. I did feel better afterwards but in a strange way. Before that I had been unable to look back and separate the positives from the pain, so I just didn’t want to look back. This kept me from healing and I felt almost like time stopped for me back then. When I laid everything out there in a completely raw and honest way it hurt like hell… but in the end I was able to lay out everything that was amazing about her. Now I can look back fondly and remember the good things without feeling like I want to die. I’d definitely call that an upgrade.

      “Submissive solidarity fist bumps and bro hugs are both welcomed. (In real life, my personal space extends about 6 feet in every direction, but here on the interwebs I’m comfortable with the contact. Ha!)”

      I am actually the same way IRL
      Virtual contact flows easily and without hestitation though 🙂

      “It always feels good to know I’m connecting with readers.”
      I can be scary to bare your soul to the world but there are a lot of people out there that can empathize.

      Take care, man.

      PS. I have enjoyed reading the revisions as they have flowed out. I think your feelings are coming through very strongly in a passionate and beautiful way.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. I’m sorry for your loss and can certainly understand why it took time to process such an event. When you describe the physical and emotional trial of writing and how you felt afterwards, the act of creating this tribute sounds as though it was a liminal moment for you. What a profoundly touching way to commemorate all of who K was and what she meant to you. You didn’t fully process and inventory what you’d lost until you were damn well ready to do so. Respect…

      I’m humbled by your story and grateful you would share such a private moment.

      Just followed the new WP blog and look forward to poking around both links you provided.

      Thanks again sharing your story as well as the kind words for my work. See you around, I’m sure 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    4. Thank you again.
      I will definitely be checking back to watch the progress. I hope that when it is complete that you will find a sense of peace with things and that the hurt won’t sting in quite the same way. It’s also much better in knowing that it may be read by the one you are dedicating it to. The peace that it brings extends to others as well.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s