I’ve been involved in BDSM since I was fifteen and showed submissive and masochistic tendencies long before that. I’m in my forties now. It wasn’t until about seven years ago that I began truly ‘accepting’ this is a large part of who I am. And it wasn’t until much more recently that I learned to value myself as well as take pride in my traits as a submissive. V was a large part of this lesson and my growth.
But just to be clear, I don’t believe identifying as submissive defines me as a human being. Instead – I see it as one important piece of my psyche that I’ve invested time and energy into developing because I enjoy that role in a D/s dynamic: it makes me happy. However, there was a period of my life when everything I just articulated was either alien or unknown to me.
When I was coming up, American culture was a lot different. There was more racism, sexism, and homophobia along with a litany of other intolerances I won’t bother listing. Add to that the fact I often lived either in a slum or a rough working-class neighborhood, where I had ‘business associates’ among whom the penalty for appearing to be anything besides what was expected meant death or exile. It takes little imagination to understand why I would be reluctant to reveal this to anyone. And, really, in those places and among those people, the cultural biases haven’t changed much over the years.
But I’m no longer in that environment or among those people. I’ve evolved and part of that evolution is coming to understand and love those traits – sans ego – as a way forward and how I present myself to the world. Recently, V posted a “Wake-Up Call” on the topic, and it is a piece worth reading. In this post, she chastises submissive guys who are ashamed of their role and/or the Dommes who love them. However, prior to being collared by her, I wasn’t ‘so deep’ in the closet that I didn’t want to identify as a sub when at events, nor was I ashamed to be with a Domme in public. However, I did conceal my role from most people. So interestingly, my confidence evolved as a result of V where I’ve determined that I would feel more comfortable making it clear as to who I am and whom I serve right up front to damn near anyone.
This varies some from V’s point where she states, ‘There’s no need to shout it from the rooftops.” I agree wholeheartedly. However, I prefer to take how I identify a step further than she asserts is the minimum. That is I feel friends and associates should understand that I’m the submissive in a D/s relationship and answer to a Domme – full stop.
Anyone who thinks I should feel ashamed or revealing myself to be ‘weak’ or one to be tried will get a rude awakening. Does that mean casual acquaintances or colleagues need to know I’m a masochist who loves erotic humiliation and is an anal whore? Absolutely not. That’s private. I do not want share that information any more than others want to hear it. Just as most vanilla heterosexuals don’t feel the need to tell ‘everyone’ their favorite sexual position or the details of what happened during their post-argument make-up nookie. Similarly, even as an ‘out submissive’ I do not want many outside of a small group of people knowing the address to my sex blog.
There’s information, and then there’s too much information.
Will I be judged and ridiculed for this? Maybe, but as long as the judgment is silent, and the ridicule ain’t in earshot, people can think whatever the fuck they want.
Don’t get me wrong, if my Domme doesn’t want the info out there, I’ll act like Vanilla Joe. And if I have some amazing job that I don’t want to jeopardize, I’ll fold like a chair. In other words, I’m loyal to people and pragmatism – not ideologies – and could give a fuck about being at the vanguard.
But I refuse to cower before society’s perceptions and be damned if my behavior will ever make my Domme feel like I’m ashamed of her.