Tribute Part II – Identity and Loyalty

I’ve been involved in BDSM since I was fifteen and showed submissive and masochistic tendencies long before that. I’m in my forties now. It wasn’t until about seven years ago that I began truly ‘accepting’ this is a large part of who I am. And it wasn’t until much more recently that I learned to value myself as well as take pride in my traits as a submissive. V was a large part of this lesson and my growth.

But just to be clear, I don’t believe identifying as submissive defines me as a human being. Instead – I see it as one important piece of my psyche that I’ve invested time and energy into developing because I enjoy that role in a D/s dynamic: it makes me happy. However, there was a period of my life when everything I just articulated was either alien or unknown to me.

When I was coming up, American culture was a lot different. There was more racism, sexism, and homophobia along with a litany of other intolerances I won’t bother listing. Add to that the fact I often lived either in a slum or a rough working-class neighborhood, where I had ‘business associates’ among whom the penalty for appearing to be anything besides what was expected meant death or exile. It takes little imagination to understand why I would be reluctant to reveal this to anyone. And, really, in those places and among those people, the cultural biases haven’t changed much over the years.

But I’m no longer in that environment or among those people. I’ve evolved and part of that evolution is coming to understand and love those traits – sans ego – as a way forward and how I present myself to the world. Recently, V posted a “Wake-Up Call” on the topic, and it is a piece worth reading. In this post, she chastises submissive guys who are ashamed of their role and/or the Dommes who love them. However, prior to being collared by her, I wasn’t ‘so deep’ in the closet that I didn’t want to identify as a sub when at events, nor was I ashamed to be with a Domme in public. However, I did conceal my role from most people. So interestingly,  my confidence evolved as a result of V where I’ve determined that I would feel more comfortable making it clear as to who I am and whom I serve right up front to damn near anyone.

This varies some from V’s point where she states, ‘There’s no need to shout it from the rooftops.” I agree wholeheartedly. However, I prefer to take how I identify a step further than she asserts is the minimum. That is I feel friends and associates should understand that I’m the submissive in a D/s relationship and answer to a Domme – full stop.

Anyone who thinks I should feel ashamed or revealing myself to be ‘weak’ or one to be tried will get a rude awakening. Does that mean casual acquaintances or colleagues need to know I’m a masochist who loves erotic humiliation and is an anal whore? Absolutely not. That’s private. I do not want share that information any more than others want to hear it. Just as most vanilla heterosexuals don’t feel the need to tell ‘everyone’ their favorite sexual position or the details of what happened during their post-argument make-up nookie. Similarly, even as an ‘out submissive’ I do not want many outside of a small group of people knowing the address to my sex blog.

There’s information, and then there’s too much information.

Will I be judged and ridiculed for this? Maybe, but as long as the judgment is silent, and the ridicule ain’t in earshot, people can think whatever the fuck they want.

Don’t get me wrong, if my Domme doesn’t want the info out there, I’ll act like Vanilla Joe. And if I have some amazing job that I don’t want to jeopardize, I’ll fold like a chair. In other words, I’m loyal to people and pragmatism – not ideologies – and could give a fuck about being at the vanguard.

But I refuse to cower before society’s  perceptions and be damned if my behavior will ever make my Domme feel like I’m ashamed of her.

Read: Tribute Part III -Moments, Memories, and Ever After


7 thoughts on “Tribute Part II – Identity and Loyalty

  1. I just read V’s post and I agree 100%. I’ve was a Submissive to my Master Eric for 3 years and I was out as such for the last year of that. No more hiding, no more shame. It is like being in a closet just like any other sexuality. And the longer you are out the more you will fight to stay out. Admittedly, I’m a Switch and see both sides of the equation which made it easier to step out of that closet and never step back. I’ve had male submissives and they are more work. Because of the masculinity thing, because of being ashamed of what they were and I completely understand V’s anger. Out of the closet is better and I am happy you were able to take that step. I hope you continue to be happy with the decision.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A closet is a closet is a closet (With apologies to Gertrude Stein) – Well said, Pelgris. And in regards to the length of time one is out and the ‘fight’ in them, I think you are correct.

      Thanks for your perspective.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks for the like bud! your absolutely right, you shouldn’t give a shit about what other people think! just be who you are. that’s the one thing no one can take away from you.
      spent ten years in the jungle and deserts for this country, shed blood.
      I dare some asshole come say shit to my face.
      loyalty is hard to find. always cover the other persons six, if your lucky they’ll cover yours. just saying!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Thank you for your comment, and, more importantly, thank you for your service.

      “loyalty is hard to find. always cover the other persons six, if your lucky they’ll cover yours.”

      This is so very true. Knowing there are people you can trust and will have your back is not to be taken lightly! I believe my ability to count on people should be repaid with interest.

      Appreciate your reading and taking the time to respond.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Excellent post.

    While you are a few years older than me, I remember well the intolerance of the earlier era. It was a joy to watch it slowly peel away… and heartbreaking to watch parts of it build its way back up.

    I am completely on board with doing more than the minimum as you put it and pragmatism tends to win out when it comes to potentially life ruining trials, but when it comes to the people that make it within your comfort zone, I believe being able to be true to yourself is part of what makes it a comfort zone. Hiding sucks but the too much information part is true as well. Thankfully the people that truly care are fairly accepting as long as statements remain fairly general. I think the worst I have heard when stating “she wears the pants and that makes me happy,” is “whatever floats your boat, man.”

    Take care and thank you for sharing. I’m looking forward to part III.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. “While you are a few years older than me, I remember well the intolerance of the earlier era.”

      You don’t have to think back to far, do you? And there’s still a lot of work to be done.

      “I think the worst I have heard when stating “she wears the pants and that makes me happy,” is “whatever floats your boat, man.”

      If that’s the worst you’ve heard, then you’re doing well! I should hope be that lucky 🙂

      Thanks for reading and responding.

      Liked by 1 person

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