A former Domme once confessed she felt both guilty and aroused when she hurt me. It was early in our relationship, and her sadistic desires left her deeply conflicted. Before, during, and after sex, she’d shift between pangs of guilt and jolts of lust. Lucky for me, lust won out.
About six months later, I’d notice how she flexed her fingers while pacing a bit to hold some of her more destructive urges in check. Where she was once torn, those feelings of guilt were ‘mostly’ gone. Hell, at that point, the mere idea of using me hard made her wet to the knees.
It will hardly come as a surprise that individuals who feel conflicted and guilty about becoming aroused from acts of physical sadism are more common than those who don’t. Many readers are likely to surmise this is only common sense. After all, if there wasn’t some basic conflict over hurting those you love, this world would be an ugly place.
Scanning the day’s headlines, I chuckled at how stupid that statement might seem to cynics in the audience. But my readers are smart so I’ll not belabor an obviously facile point.
That said, sadism is as tricky to negotiate as masochism, and I often marvel at the fine line we walk.
Much like erotic humiliation, the topic of S&M invites one to tumble down a rabbit hole where the words right, wrong, healthy, and twisted become tangled and difficult to delineate.
Not that I lose any sleep on the topic.
But I must confess my inability to articulate a coherent and consistent philosophical position on these topics to be frustrating. That is: I crave both sadism and erotic humiliation, but so what?
Junkies crave heroin – that doesn’t meant they should indulge.
Furthermore, I find myself wondering if enabling someone else’s sadistic tendencies makes me a terrible person…no, that’s not right. The truth is I’m HAPPY to enable both sadism and erotic humiliation in a Domme. I do not feel a lick of guilt. Sure, I’m obsessed with intellectualizing some of our more base instincts, but that’s about it.
However, there are larger points at stake. Larger points I lack the both patience and intellect to address. One example is the argument posited by George Orwell in the novel 1984. To dumb down a complex argument is never a good idea, but I’m going to do so anyway. Essentially, Orwell is a moralist who understands the drive to hurt and dominate as coming from de Sade.
Make no mistake, Orwell drew a direct line between the philosophy of de Sade, the authoritarian instincts of the state, and where Western culture is headed. (Personally, I think Aldous Huxley, is the one to get it right when it comes to dystopian futures, but I’ve digressed enough already.)
Of course, those who’ve read books by actual philosophers alongside the fevered essays of de Sade are likely to ask, “what philosophy?” Because de Sade can be boiled down to a single maxim, “If it feels good, do it.”
You cannot distill “real philosophy” in this manner.
Suffice to say, Orwell thinks there’s more to be discovered in the subtext of de Sade. One of Orwell’s more famous statements reads: “If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.” And in correspondence, Orwell finds this image haunting for two reasons: there is pleasure to be found on either side of the boot.
At this point, readers might accuse me of conflating the hegemonic urges of dictators with harmless kinky fun, but I’m not so sure…
Hay muchas preguntas y pocas respuestas…
At some point I might dive bit deeper into the death drive, the writings of Sacher-Masoch and other such topics, but the truth is my interest is as ephemeral as it is purely intellectual. That is to say, I know what feels right and where crossing lines would feel wrong. I know this on a deeply personal level, and my inability to articulate a more concrete position is merely a minor irritant.
That said, if anyone can suggest some heavy-caliber intellectual writing on these subjects, I’d welcome suggestions for authors and titles!